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  1. #1

    The Misadventures of Archer Bro(nze)

    Well, I wrote this on 4chan in a stroke of creativity at some anon's wonderings about what the sex lives of the other males of the kingdom are like. This is the result:

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Deployed in royal road for extra ranged support.
    >I'm right next to Daniela.
    >Oh jeez, she's so hot.
    >Look at those tits, and how she dresses.
    >She smiles at me and tells me to do my best effort.
    >"Y-you too."
    >Battle continues, we win with three stars.
    >I think I'm going to say something to Daniela.
    >"Hey, Dan-"
    >The Prince appears from behind her, slapping her ass and putting his arm around her shoulder as she blushes and bites her lip.
    >"Hey, good job there with the bow, soldier. I'll level you up a bit later for the male only missions."
    >They walk off.
    >Oh well, maybe I'll say something to Alyssa over the-
    >Oh wait, he just picked her up as well.
    >Cloris is at the other side, maybe- nope, the Prince just picked her up as well.
    >...guess it's playing cards with Conrad tonight as well.

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Card's night with Conrad again.
    >We all gather at the inn every week and bet our gold.
    >Conrad always wins the most because no one dares to beat him for fear of him or his daughter.
    >Except the Prince, of course.
    >Middle of the night, I'm actually doing fairly well, doubled my salary while keeping away from Conrad's gold.
    >Katie and Aria cross through the tavern.
    >Conrad beckons to them to join with his thunderous voice.
    >"Sorry boys, the Prince called us and said it was urgent."
    >Oh god I know where this is going.
    >They walk upstairs.
    >Soon enough, we start hearing some creaking coming from the floor above us.
    >Awkward silence.
    >Aria's voice coming from above breaks it.
    >"Oh yes! Oh yes! Yes, my prince, spank this naughty soldier! I've been so bad, masturbating so much when you weren't around to please me!"
    >We're all just staring at our cards without actually playing.
    >Some dust is falling down from the ceiling on my hand.
    >Conrad says it's good to know the Prince is so lively and laughs awkwardly.
    >An entire hour later, Katie and Aria come down again, their hair messed up and parts of their clothes ripped.
    >"The Prince asked for your daughter, Conrad."
    >They leave.
    >Conrad is crying.

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >The soldiers are training in front of the castle.
    >We archers have the day free, so I go make small talk with them.
    >Talk a bit with Phyllis, she's always looked kind of wierd to me but she seems good hearted.
    >She's actually pretty nice, even if she's very dedicated to training.
    >Oh shit, the Prince is coming straight towards her.
    >He hands her a fucking ruby.
    >Everyone around looks away, Katie and Aria are staring and grinning.
    >Here we go again, I just can't fucking compe-
    >Wait, she just took her sword up?
    >Holy shit she's attacking him.
    >What the fuck man, that's the Prince Phyllis what are you doing.
    >The rest of the soldiers have gathered around, and are at a loss of words.
    >The Prince manages to beat her (of course).
    >Phyllis compliments him, tells him his swordsmanship is impecable.
    >He's kind of confused but returns the compliment.
    >Fuck it, I start cheering.
    >Everyone applauds Phyllis for the amazing match she just gave.

    >A week later.
    >Phyllis has become quite popular for being the first girl that resists the Prince's charms.
    >Half the castle has tried to hit on her, but she remains impasive.
    >She just got CC'd today, so I decide to go to her room to congratulate her.
    >I approach her door.
    >There's a fuckton of flowers forming a way up to it.
    >Oh god please no.
    >Open door.
    >The Prince is right there, on the other side.
    >We stare at each other for a moment.
    >I close the door.
    >I hear Phyllis from inside saying "Who was that?".
    >I wonder if Conrad's playing today.

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Hanging out with my best friend Russell.
    >Turns out he's become fond of Dina, kinda like a little sister to him.
    >She's really impressive, possibly the best heavy infantry in the army despite her size and age.
    >As we're talking, we spot the Prince and Dina walking together.
    >Wait, don't tell me... no, no, that's impossible, the Prince wouldn't take advantage of a little girl like that.
    >Oh, he's just buying her ice cream, how nice of him.
    >They head back to the castle.
    >It's getting kind of cold, so I say my farewells to Russell and head back inside as well.
    >Passing through the heavy armor's barracks on my way to my room.
    >...wait, that noise sounds familiar.
    >I get close to the door where it comes from.
    >Oh god what the fuck those moans are from Dina.
    >Are you kidding me Prince you sick fuck that's illegal.
    >The moans have stopped.
    >The Prince walks out, doesn't actually see me.
    >Dina walks out as well, satisfied expression on her face.
    >Aigis, please tell me that thing on her hair is ice cream.
    >She spots me and blushes like crazy.
    >I freak out right there, what the hell happened, the Prince is a pedo, is she hurt?
    >She stares at me like I just killed a puppy.
    >"How old do you think I am?"
    >"Huh, like, 9 or 10 years old?"
    >She sighs and pulls out her ID.
    >She's 27.
    >What the fuck.
    >She's even got a degree on art history.

    >Next day I'm hanging out with Russell.
    >Not sure if I should tell him that he's actually the little brother.
    >Not sure if I should tell him his "sister" is getting banged by the Prince as well.

  2. #2
    5 Stars for the work! I'm wondering though, which Bronze Archer is Archer Bro? Or is he just a nameless mook who's at Bronze level?

  3. #3
    I'm going to say Ars. He looks to me like the kind of guy who would be involved in those shenanigans.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    This was brilliant! I giggled. I giggled a lot! More please

  5. #5
    Oh Kotono, if there is issue with the language in this post, yell and I'll edit it.

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Hunt for some meat, bring it back to barracks for cooking.
    >Wonder why the only cook in this army is Mortimer when the majority of members are women.
    >Grumble about Prince's latest antics with other like-minded men.
    >Lean back on bench and touch a damp spot.
    >Conrad: "That smells of woman. Who had sex here?"
    >Awkward silence. Everyone's thinking the same thing: 'who else?'
    >Attempt to take everyone's mind off by mentioning tomorrow's activities.
    >Mortimer: "We're gonna drag that lad away from all his pussy and party up!"

    >One boat trip and a manly brawl later, get a pile of booze drops.
    >Prince brings out his secret stash of Millennium Wine.
    >Only silvers and above are invited to drink.
    >Crash in bed early, none of the other Irons and Bronzes wanted to hold a consolation party.
    >Next evening, continue the grumbling from last time.
    >Mortimer: "I won't allow you to diss the Prince! That man is alright."
    >What happened at that party?

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Deployed in toxic swamp today, next to new recruit: Spica.
    >It's her first mission in this army.
    >Don't get hopes up, you know the inevitable future.
    >Shoot down gargoyles and such, at least this is enjoyable.
    >Spica having a hard time with her frail constitution.
    >Prince doesn't even show up for this mission: "there's nowhere for me to stand"
    >Be a sympathetic ear to Spica badmouthing Prince for sending them out here.
    >Spica just shot down a dragon. It dropped a diamond as it died.
    >Cough cough, can't take these toxic fumes anymore, where are the healers?
    >Just before going unconscious, get relieved to make room for a healer.

    >Back at the barracks, you wake up to see Christopher tending to your health.
    >Couldn't it have been Alyssa or Dorca at least?
    >Thank him for his work and ask what happened to Spica.
    >Christopher: "In her room, being attended to."
    >The way he said it already gives bad vibes.
    >Sure enough, there's a trail of flowers near her room. You can still smell the swamp's acrid fumes on them.
    >Prince comes out of the room, you hide.
    >A while later, Spica comes out too. You ask her how she feels.
    >She's gushing in a very roundabout way that the Prince may not be as bad as she first thought.
    >Special mention for the diamond he just gifted her.
    >Isn't that the same diamond that dropped from her own kill?

    Last edited by Schverika; 06-30-2015 at 01:52 PM.

  6. #6
    Pretty good. You may want to put the little greater than sign (>) before each paragraph to keep the tradition though.

  7. #7
    Anon who made the Mehlis one, reporting.
    Posting with some slight adjustments.

    >Be bronze archer in the Prince's army.
    >Finally get to know this new mage girl, Mehlis.
    >Barbastroff is so proud of her, how fast she is learning under his wing.
    >She's easy to hang with.
    >Although she doesnt stop talking when the topic of magic comes into play.
    >If anything I find that charming.
    >Be talking to her on a day off during lunch
    >"Oh well, time for todays lesson". she says.
    >She seems awfully happy about it
    >I bid her goodbye and go to do something around the castle.
    >Walk around a bit and come across Barbastroff.
    >"Oh hey, lesson done already?"
    >He just raises an eyebrow.
    >Awkward silence follows.
    >Until a familiar giggle comes across the hallway.
    >Its Mehlis and the Prince.
    >They are just chatting and ha-
    >"Oh for fuck's sake...."
    >His hand is on her butt.
    >Not only 'on her butt'.
    >He's rubbing heartily.
    >Barbastroff just sighs HEAVILY.
    >He mumbles something along the lines of "too old for her, what's he thinking?"
    >The droop on his normally proud stance was noticeable.
    >They are walking towards the Prince's private barracks.
    >More awkward silence.
    >"So... do you play cards?"

  8. #8
    Time for a different protagonist.

    >Be IRON SOLDIER in Prince's Army.
    >Not long ago, used to be a farmer's son in middle of nowhere.
    >Goddess Aigis personally appeared in front of you.
    >As you prostrate in worship, gives you a job offer.
    >"Join the army that's fighting off the monster invasion! Oh and 70% of its members are beautiful women."
    >Sign up without a second thought.

    >Learn quickly that those "70% of members" are only interested in Prince.
    >Feel down, couldn't you get close to just one girl?
    >Hear rumour in mens' barracks of a mission where Prince has sworn not to touch the rescued maidens.
    >Volunteer for it at earliest opportunity.
    >"What I lack in skill, I'll make up for in spirit!"
    >Find yourself in a toxic swamp, facing a pack of rabid wolves fast closing in.
    >Anything to save a girl Prince won't touch.
    >Thanks to bronze archer bros and Christopher, you survive the onslaught.
    >Now where are these grateful girls?
    >"Thanks for rescuing me! I'll work hard to get you lots of experience!"
    >Wait... she's smaller than your fist.
    >Blab your thoughts aloud while in a daze.
    >"You wanted sexual experience? I can do that too. Want now?"
    >You will not sink that low. It hurts, but you will not sink that low.
    >Bronze bro puts a hand on your shoulder.
    >"Welcome to Prince's army!"
    >What a hazing.

  9. #9
    Might as well post this here.

    Part 1

    >Be Bronze Archer in the Prince's army
    >It's the weekly game night
    >Conrad's out on business
    >Something about a new contraption he wanted to try out
    >Playing cards with the other Bronzes for now
    >All of us just ignoring the thumping and shaking from upstairs
    >We definitely didn't hear any moans
    >Suddenly, one of us speaks up
    >It's Bergan, our signature Bronze Bandit
    >The guy's popular with the woman of the villages we pass through despite being a bandit
    >You can even say it's because he's a bandit
    >His good looks go without saying
    >Of course, most of us Bronzes are popular with girls outside the army
    >It's just that they can't compare with the ones in it
    >"How about a panty raid?"
    >The idea's so random we just stare in shock
    >He quickly explains
    >"Since the Prince is usually banging the girls every weekend..."
    >Bronze Soldier Hector looks like he's about to cry
    >"They're likely to not be in their barracks"
    >Looks of understanding start to appear
    >No girls in their barracks means no people in their barracks
    >No people in the girls' barracks mean we can get in easily and take a few pieces of underwear here and there
    >We'd have to be fast of course
    >As the rest of us showed interest we discussed our plans
    >It was decided that we would go the next weekend, as it was the first of the next month
    >The next few days passed with us secretly making moves
    >A few cloth bags from the storage place
    >Some clean rags from the kitchen
    >The day of judgement finally came

    Part 2

    >All the Bronzes were here
    >Of particular note were Bergan, Roy, and fellow archer Wilfred
    >Bergan as the leader, Roy as the magic user, Wilfred as the stealth expert
    >Wilfred had scouted a bit earlier and noticed the girls had gone for a "girls' night" at the nearby town
    >That gave us a few hours to work with
    >Roy activated a spell that he learned from our resident trickster, Calliope
    >Said it would make us invisible
    >We wanted to question it but remembered a certain incident
    >The Irons had heard the moans of a woman being fucked in the mess hall
    >However, no such woman was to be found
    >Of course
    >It had to be her and the Prince
    >Silently cursing the luck of that bastard, we were all turned invisible by Roy
    >We brazenly walked through the front entrance
    >We were invisible
    >Though we could see each other
    >After a brief discussion about when to meet back, we split up
    >I headed over to the room belonging to Daniela
    >What the fuck
    >They really are fucking huge
    >The bra had to be close to 100
    >And her boobs still couldn't completely fit in it
    >Headed to a couple other rooms

    Part 3

    >Next thing I knew, all the Bronzes ended up gathered in front of one door
    >It belonged to Soma
    >There was hesitation
    >After all, it's Soma, one of the army's top idols
    >That, and there were noises coming from behind the door
    >A look was shared
    >We're invisible right?
    >I volunteered and slowly opened the door
    >It's Soma
    >She's fucking someone
    >Do you even have to ask?
    >Of course it's the Prince
    >Soma doesn't seem to notice the door opening
    >But the Prince does
    >He stares right at me
    >Can he see me?
    >That's impossible
    >I checked a mirror and couldn't see anything
    >Yet he's staring directly into my eyes
    >Then I remember the incident in the mess hall with the Irons
    >Of course he'd know about the invisibility spell
    >I'm starting to sweat
    >What do I do?
    >The Prince stares a bit longer, then procedes to fuck Soma harder
    >A loud slapping noise echoes in the room
    >At the same time, the Prince slightly points his chin in the direction of Soma's drawer
    >The message is clear
    >Go ahead, I'll distract her
    >Tears well up in my eyes
    >The Prince truly is a good person
    >Of course, it's probably because he get some whenever he wants
    >I hurriedly raid Soma's drawer and rush out the room, closing the door softly
    >The others all sigh in relief before splitting up again
    >An hour or so later, we're back at the meeting place
    >The effect of the invisibility spell has faded
    >The girls still haven't returned so we decide to head out the same way we came
    >Right before we open the door Bergan pales in front of the window
    >It's the girls
    >We all duck below the windows in fright
    >We're doomed
    >We'll probably get tortured for this
    >Girls can be cruel when pissed
    >Even more so if it's Fedora

    Part 4

    >Then our savior appears
    >It's the Prince
    >Soma's not with him so she's probably sleeping
    >He walks right past us and out the door
    >As he heads towards the girls he sends us a quick glance before shouting a message to the girls
    >"Follow me for some fun and I'll double this month's pay!"
    >The girls excitedly follow him as he heads in a direction away from the barracks
    >All of us Bronzes are crying manly tears
    >The Prince has showed us that he is a true brother to his men
    >That doesn't change the fact that he's a lucky bastard though
    >We stand up and brazenly walk out the front door, promising to remember this moment in our hearts
    >Standing outside is that new Iron Soldier
    >His eyes are wide, mouth open, and he just dropped his training sword
    >We make a mad rush to grab him and knock him out before he can scream
    >Later, we all ended up having to give him a portion of our month's pay and some of the panties to silence him
    >Despite being a country hick, he's surprisingly devious
    >It was fucking worth it though

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Xcellion View Post
    Might as well post this here.
    It's a polishable draft - a piece of writing that's worth iterating over. But it won't deliver lulz and /jp/ expects every one of these stories to deliver lulz. I think it's still worth writing more in this series to continue exploring. But perhaps /jp/ can be spared the 'betrayal of expectations' as it's hard to find a joke from this source anymore.

    And yes, too long. It's clear this is a draft that was not edited afterwards - lots of unnecessary detail to trim down.

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